I’m not sure I answered my last post correctly. Looking back, I believe I was rather blah about the whole thing. Divorce is tricky enough without children involved. Taking more time to read and think about the question, i’m adjusting my response. Staying in a marriage ONLY for the children really seems to be a raw deal for the kids. They grow up having no concept of what a loving relationship is, the cycle of bad marriage will inevitably continue. I can’t imagine spending 5 or even 10 years living with someone you don’t love or even really like. The only thing the children get out of it is seeing their parents every day. Parents who are not at their best, living the best life they can. What’s the point? On the other hand, making the best out of your marriage, if there is something there, is worth staying for. Working hard to preserve a family for as long as possible is ideal in my book. I know there are varied opinions and I want to hear them.
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When I was a senior in high school, my best friend’s father sat her down and told her that he was leaving. He had been having an affair for years, was never happy in his marriage, and it was time to leave. When she asked him why he stayed for so long, he told her that the only reason he got married was the baby that was conceived – my best friend. She was angry and hurt for years. She felt as though she was told that she was responsible for his misery, and forcing him to have an affair to find happiness. She didn’t understand how they could have spent 17 years being what she thought was a normal, happy family, only to have this bomb dropped. He stayed “until she was old enough to understand, and was ready to go out on her own”. My best friend changed that day. She hated all men, and was depressed. Her mother started dating anything that walked – mostly younger guys – and drinking/partying several times a week.
Staying married for the kids is a selfish way of saying you are too weak to face the situation head on and do something about it. It will not save your spouse or your children from heartache; it will most likely cause more. You can still see your child every day if you want to – courts are not “anti-father” any more. In fact, they encourage both parents to work together. And as a woman, I would rather hear early on that things aren’t working, attempt to fix it, and if it still won’t work move on with my life, than to find out when I am 40 that my husband has been miserable with me for years and sleeping with someone else.
“I can’t imagine spending 5 or even 10 years living with someone you don’t love or even really like… On the other hand, making the best out of your marriage, if there is something there, is worth staying for.”
I think these are some great points. As someone who has gone through divorce, although without children, I think it is important that people work their tail off for marriage. Marriage isn’t easy. Adding kids into the mix only makes it more important to work harder on things because now decisions affect them as well. The key is “if there is something there”… this isn’t something to be decided easily. In the end, I think that if you feel you have exhausted all avenues, then it is time to move on. I think a person knows in their heart when the time is right to leave, there is no “right” answer but only what your heart and mind tell you. Someone from the outside looking in can’t tell you when that moment is, no matter how close they are to you.